Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
