I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
