Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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