I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
