and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
True strength comes from lack of pants
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
