Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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