I could make wine with my vomit
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
