you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
