2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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