I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
