you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
