tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
