This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
someone owes me an orgasm
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
