if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
