May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
