chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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