Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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