I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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