The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
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I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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