Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
