and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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