If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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