This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
