I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
