Welp...herpes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
