Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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