that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
