omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
