I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
