i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
