I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
