Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
