angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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