Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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