thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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