i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
