Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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