my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
