batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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