I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
