Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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