We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
