He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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