Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i dont even know how to be here
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
