dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
