i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
