I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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