I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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