apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
