i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just pee around me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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