Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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