Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
