No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom