I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
