She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
