I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
