what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
even my farts smell like vagina
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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