Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
